And then it was November...

I had a birthday in September. We made floral arrangements for the cemetery that month. Then I blinked, turned around and what is this? November? Thanksgiving is almost here. It's a bittersweet time for me. I get to be with family which I dearly love, but the thoughts, memories and feelings of Kiko are everywhere. Has it already been three years? It's been a big blur of sadness, illness and floundering. I want to go on but don't want anyone to ever think I have forgotten. I haven't. I won't. I don't want to.

But I am determined to have a good holiday season. I've been doing crafts again. Right now though I'm working on some holiday arrangements. Time to change the halloween to Christmas.

I'm tired. Hate the time change and also my tummy feels awful.

J

The day after.............My Birthday.

So my birthday was on friday. I got a whole bunch of b.d. cards, online best wishes messages and some phone calls. We didn't go anywhere or do anything special because we went the next day to Ramons house for a barbeque in special celebration of my birthday. Gloria, Ramon and Elena did a great job in having a super dinner that was all Gott friendly. Everything there I could eat. Plus just seeing them was great. I don't see them near enough and miss many things because of it. We just live too far away. I bring up the subject of moving and Mac is willing to move he says but he isn't taking the initiative. He's dragging his feet. I know he doesn't want to move. I know he loves it here in Red Bluff. I like my house. I like this park. It's quiet and safe. I love the doctors here, but my kids are not here. My sister is not here. Only I am here. When I want to go down there to a function or event, we have to drive two hours, attend the function and then drive two hours home. It's too much for both of us. Soon we won't be able to go even. We are old. I don't want to miss the few years I have left. I want to move now. J

Oh boy..

I checked back to see when I last wrote anything here.. can you believe it was in June? I knew it had been awhile but didn't think it had been that long.

I'm nearing my 73rd birthday. How it the heck did that happen. I shouldn't be this old. It happened too fast. Where did those years go? I can't remember half of them.. it's all just a blur with some little details to tie the blur together. I don't want to waste any more of it. I hate taking naps in the daytime because I lose valuable time. Or so it seems. But I'm tired and the only way to function is by taking the naps.

My back is so painful that I take pain pills every day just about four hours apart. I think that's another reason I'm so tired but if I don't take them I can't function for the pain. It's a viscious circle. But I do think I'm going to start taking them the way I used to. One when I get up, another in four hours and then wait till I feel like I need another. Doctor told me not to wait, to stay ahead of the pain, but at night when I'm asleep I don't wake up to take them. Sometimes I go six or seven hours without them. Maybe I can get back to taking a few less. I hate relying on pills to make it through.

I used my sewing machine for the first time in about a year and a half or more even. I've been doing a few crafts and now I can type as good as ever. I'm almost back to normal but I still get headaches.. like tonight the TV was on very loud, the dog started shrilly barking and Mac yelled loudly at him.. just then my head felt like it was going to split wide open. Noise really bothers me. Bright lights, loud noises and temperature changes make my head feel terrible. Can't stand the wind on my head. But the hair on top of my head is growing and you can no longer see a bald spot... now it just looks like a very bad haircut. I may never cut my hair again. Don't want to, but sometimes I get a whim and just do it. What happens happens. Now I need to go to bed and read my Dr. Gott diet book. I'm hungry for pancakes. J

The T-shirt didn't fit

Yep the shirt was too big. I brought it out and put it on the back of a chair and it's gone so guess Mac did something with it.. don't know. don't care.

J

Cant keep up

Well I could but I find other things to do or sometimes I have nothing to write about... But today I got my new bedspreads. How I love to shop online. There's nothing you can't find. Going to store after store after store and no bedspreads were to be found except heavy ones or comforters.. heavy stuff that weighs me down..pulls on my legs, feet and knees and hurts. But what a difference online was. I had a hard time choosing there were so many. Tomorrow I'll take a picture.

Got another new t-shirt today, like as though I needed one. I have so many clothes now it's a shame. I don't wear half of them, but can't bear to throw or give them away. I've already given away most of my good things. I feel my pants and shorts tighter than they were. They still fit but they aren't comfortable. Wanted to lose ten pounds before the reunion, now I'll be lucky if I lose five. I could lose more but I would have to be hungry. Don't like hungry. Hate it. Cannot and will not endure hunger. Guess I just need to change the way I eat... but wait, I have changed the way I eat. I've cut way back on fat, but the problem is I've upped the carbs. Hard because carbs are the only foods that feel good in my tummy.

Woe is me, almost 73 and haven't got this weight thing figured out yet. Oh well I'll do the best I can. J

oh boy, falling down on the job

I haven't posted in a very long time.

Upsetting news yesterday. The couple who lived across the street were found dead in their mobile home. Evidently he killed her and then committed suicide, that's the unofficial word today. It was a zoo around here yesterday with all the commotion. I am stunned with disbelief. Sad. No life should end like that in such a tragic way. I didn't know them, but no one deserves to be that sad or that angry and one has to wonder what was so terrible that made him do such a horrible thing?

I was going to write more about other things but...J

It's been a hard day...

We went grocery shopping and that was good. The weather was beautiful and that was good. I sat on the porch and read a magazine and that was good. I took a short nap and that was good. I ate a dish made with spinach and navy beans for dinner and that was very good. But tomorrow is Kikos birthday.. tomorrow and he isn't here. Not fair. Not fair. He should be here doing all the things he planned, showing everyone the fantastic talent he had... being happy and healthy. He should be here. J

Here it is another day...

And what have I got to show for it? Two more pounds this week than last week that's what.

I'm trying to stay up till 12:30 so I can take my pain pill. Maybe I'll sleep more than 2 hours tonight. Maybe not. I like getting up and going to the recliner to read but last night my leg/knee/hip and back hurt so bad I couldn't read or sleep. Rode the exercise bike today in hopes it would get the oxygen flowing in my blood. Sometimes a person hurts due to lack of exercise.

I'm hungry... how in the world could I be hungry? I know in order to not be hungry I need to eat less carbs. That's what makes me hungry. But that's what keeps my tummy happy too. I'm between a rock and a hard place. What to do,

I've been working on a cookbook. It's hard work. But if I get it done it might be a good gift for my kids for Christmas..

J

Misc. nothings

Went to see the neurosurgeon for a follow up on the surgery he did on my head. He was very well pleased. He asked some questions and made me do some things like follow his fingers with my eyes, squeeze his hand and stuff like that.. he was pleased and surprised I wasn't in the wheel chair. We didn't even take the wheel chair with us today.

After we got done there we stopped at Elenas for lunch... it was really good and I ate too much. But always nice to see them and they seemed pleased we went. of course we are tired tonight because it is quite a ways to go and come in the same day.

Tomorrow I AM going to get these pictures off the table and into albums. That's my to do for the day. Oh and I'm going to plan some meals ahead. Thats the only way I can lose weight.

J

Last day of May

This is the last picture of me before my brain surgery... Awful.

I have forgotten when I wrote here last. I had intended to write daily but then I intend to do many things and sometimes I do but there are times I just don't. Like I have intended trying to write poetry again, but don't. Why? I can't think of anything to write about. I have intended to get the pictures all in albums, at least I'm working on that.. got so far behind when I got sick. I'm still working on 2010 pictures. I was caught up but then life went on, things happened and I stopped. I thought I was stopped forever. I thought I'd never be able to use my hands again. I'd never be able to focus, to walk or even to think. I don't know what I thought because sometimes I couldn't even think. I existed. Lost time. Didn't enjoy anything. Didn't do anything, I just was there. A lump of breathing flesh who stopped living, stopped thinking, stopped planning. Mac would say, "When you get better we'll....." and to myself I'd think that will never happen because this is the way I'm going to be. This is me from now on and forever. This is what I've become. But it wasn't like that. It was the tumor. I can look back and see two years ago when I noticed changes..little ones at first and then after knee replacement more and then after the first surgery it was so obvious that something was wrong but no one, no doctor picked up on it. That's all I have to say tonight except who cares if I sleep half the night in the bed and half the night in the chair. At least I'm here and able to get up and down by myself, able to type this, able to read and write and eat by myself. Able to shower and wash my own hair, able to draw on my own eyebrows and brush my own teeth. Able to cook my own cream of wheat and beat the eggs for scrambled eggs. Able to open the can of peaches, to comb my hair, to wash my clothes and make gravy. Able to pull some weeds, dehead the flowers and prune the bushes. I can step on the scales by myself, get in the pickup and walk up and down the stairs. I am no longer completely dependent on anyone for everything. I'm thankful for those who helped me and took care of me but I'm so thankful I can now do it myself. Yea for independence at least almost. Nite. J

Sleep Habits

Are hard to break.

I am used to the recliner and I love it. Not so much that I am extra comfortable, but the fact I'm there with the lamp, my book, the t.v. and the remote control. I wake up a lot during the night and I take awhile to go back to sleep. When I'm in the recliner I just read or watch television. In the bed, I can't do that. Although Mac bought me a Kindle today. He thinks it might be light weight enough that I can read lying down. Hope I can. I still have to download some books on it. He actually bought me one for my birthday last september, but I couldnt figure it out. My head was so messed up at that time I couldn't focus long enough to learn how to use it. It is rather simple, but I was really messed up. Could not focus, so I had him send it back. Now that I am better, I was wishing I had it, so when he went to the store today, he came back with it.... happy birthday he said. Finally I can enjoy my birthday present, It's been a long time coming.

My new blanket is just what I wanted. It's so light it doesn't pull down on my legs at all.

Can't remember when

I posted last. I could look back and see but I don't really care all that much so why bother. It's bedtime. My international coffee is ready and waiting for me. Just wanted to say I am so thankful that I could make the flower arrangements for the cemetery, even down to making the bows. Has been a long time since I could do anything like that.

Bought a new very soft and light weight electric blanket today. Maybe I'll get back to my bed one of these days. Not yet though.

J

Boring? Nope not at all

After reading what I am doing most people would think it's so boring but to me it's so satisfying. Why? Because I had so many months I could do nothing but sit in the chair and stare at the muted television. I couldn't stand the sound up as it gave me a headache. Couldn't walk and my hand and arm didn't work and so I sat.

Now I can get up and do somethings...not too much cause my back is so bad, but I made my own breakfast today...I boiled some eggs and peeled them. I washed one load of towels and have another in washing. I gathered my clothes to wash. I opened the drapes and the blinds to let the light in. I posted on face book... figured my breakfast points in Weightwatchers and entered my food into fitday. and it ain't even noon yet. Oh and i'm dressed. Not in my nightgown. Though I must admit nightgowns are sooooooo comfy.

So there you have the extent of the day so far. maybe I'll be back later..maybe not. J

Oh boy

It's been raining.. did I say I hate rain. Well I don't actually hate it because I know we need rain, but we don't need rain and rain and rain for days and days and days. Time for a break and time for SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!

And I finally have faced reality and the fact I cannot eat unlimited high carb foods. Ate a chicken pie for dinner last night and it spiked my blood sugar and it didn't want to come back down. Took hours. Not good. I have read that anytime a blood sugar stays over 140 for more than two hours it could do organ damage. I don't want that.. so it's back to lower carbs. I want to stay below 72 carbs per day.

Didn't do much today.. back and legs are giving me what for. I did make cauliflower soup. Boy was that good. Haven't had any of my good homemade soup for so long. I'm glad I can do some things again.

J

Went grocery shopping yesterday

Sounds like a boring thing to do but I enjoyed it so much. I haven't been to that store in eight months. Food Maax. It's where we always buy our fruits and veggies. I like to choose them and haven't been able to in so very long. Yesterday I had to restrain myself. I could easily have gotten more but then we probably wouldn't have eaten it all and it would have spoiled. So I only got enough for several days. Last night I ate half a mango with berries and coolwhip. Would have rather had real cream but my tummy objects to fat and cream has lots of that.

I am going to begin paying attention to carbs and try not to eat simple ones. I think I can be satisfied without so much chips and cookies. Neither of those things gives one any nutrition. Today I was smart and ate one crispbread with peanut butter for lunch. It was so yummy. Less points than a cookie and will keep me full until dinner

ooops We just decided on chicken pot pies for dinner. Ok I thought... I have plenty of points left but when I figured how many points were in one little of those pies I was flabbergasted not to mention stunned to the hilt. They each have 16 points!!!! I will eat one anyway, because Mac is already getting them ready to put in the oven but it means I will go over daily points. I never go over. I do have 35 extra points per week to use as I wish but I never use them. Guess I'm going to use some today though. se la vie. or whatever!!

J

Shopping

I love shopping. I love browsing, reading labels, picking up something and then putting it back. I hate going in the store for three items, getting them and straight back out. It's worse now that I haven't been anywhere in so long. I so wanted to go to food maxx today but we took the wheel chair back and the scooter is hard to load. I'd love to go for a scooter ride by myself around the park but can't get the scooter down the steps. Should just leave it down there but I need it in the house. What to do what to do. I want to buy some melons and some fruit like a mango or papaya. I'm hungry for alfalfa sprouts. Something different. Oh well I should be thankful for what I have and I am.... but still I want to go shopping just once by myself again. J

Ok so I made my own salad

Some people might think that's no big deal but it is to me. Why? Because I have not been able to stand or use my hand for a very long time. I can tell I'm getting more coordinated and stronger. I hardly use the wheel chair or scooter in the house. I mostly walk with the cane. But I can only walk or stand a few minutes because my back pain becomes excruciating. That's what's keeping me from doing more.

Wish I had a ramp built out here so i could take my scooter up and down by myself. J

Oh boy

between the steroids and the anti-inflamatories I have put on almost ten pounds. I feel heavy and my clothes are not fitting like they did. I can wear them but they dont feel good..so what do I do? I hate hungry. I know I dont have to be hungry and after a few days I won't be. It also takes planning, something I have done in the past but I don't like doing it. Which do I hate the worst....Planning or this ugly ten pounds. OK OK OK I'll PLAN!!!!! J

Strides....

Yes I'm making strides daily... Still don't feel too steady or too balanced but I'm getting better. Got up off the commode two times by myself today. YEA. Pretty soon I will be independent again. I hate depending on anyone. Oh I don't mind asking for help sometimes but I don't like to HAVE to ask all the time. Like if I want to get up out of the chair I have to ask for help, if I want a cup of coffee I have to ask for it. If I am hungry I have to ask for food. If I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to wake someone to take me.... and the worst of all was I had to have someone clean me after I used the bathroom. Thank goodness I don't have to ask any more and I can take care of myself in that area.

The dog is barking.... J

I have five blogs

Yes I do, but I hadn't posted on any of them for such a long time, until the other day and I posted on this one. I still havent posted on the others. Still haven't posted on the weightwatchers boards, Maybe I'll start back there tomorrow.

I still get tired easily. Was reading on some brain tumor forum and learned so much from others who have had brain surgery. Like so many say it takes up to a year to get any energy back and even one mother told about her twelve year old daughter who has to take naps twice a day even though it's been a year since her surgery. It's a very hard surgery to go through emotionally as well as physically.

I walk to the bathroom all the time now. Not all the time without Mac holding on to me but up until a week or so ago he pushed me in there in the wheel chair. I am getting stronger.

I sat on the porch this evening... boy are the mosquitos hungry. Talked to Ramon on the phone. Always nice to talk to him or any of my kids.

Going to go have a cup of Swiss Mocha International coffee and hit the recliner. Thats where I sleep for now.

J

Its Tuesday May 3rd II think

Anyway, remember that cause its the first day i've walked alone... well not completely alone, I had my cane. But I did it. I walked the whole length of my dining room twice. Now if I could just get up out of the recliner but I doubt I'll ever be able to do that cause my knees both need to be fixed and I will not have any surgery again unless its an emergency!!! Sick of being in the hospital and I'm sick of pain.

Saw my dr yesterday. He said everything looks fine. The home health care with physical therapy will end on Friday. They may send me to outside physical therapy, not sure yet but my speech therapist mentioned thats what they usually do. By the way, the speech therapists last day is Thursday. He says I dont need him and I don't.

Having stew for dinner. I don't much like the Meat but I love the vegetables and gravy. J

Oops

I skipped a day or two.. Oh well there is no law that says I have to post daily. the only thing I did yesterday was my physical therapy and speech therapy. Was supposed to start the speech therapy two weeks ago but mixup prevented that. So now everything is straightened out but also now I don't think I need speech therapy.

Took a shower in my own shower yesterday too. First time since before surgery. Felt good. Would be better if I had a bar in there to hold on to.

Gained weight. Damn ! I knew I was going to because of the two arthritis pills each day. Always gain weight with those. Plus the fact I've been eating too much.

Have a dr appointment on Monday.

J

wednesday update

I was going to write yesterday but I got too tired. Wanted to report that I can type with two hands now. All my fingers don't work yet but some of them do and its a great improvement. Still can't walk alone but I'm trying really hard to get the strength back in my legs. I can move my right foot now.

In touch with the surgeon who did the brain surgery and he approved the brain scan without the contrast so I did that yesterday afternoon.

My physical therapist said the best thing for my hand is to do something repetitive. He suggested crocheting or writing. So I took a tablet and pen to the recliner where I sleep and at two in the morning when I coouldnt sleep I wrote my abcs... It was very shaky, but legible.

I wonder when Aaron is going to get us an agenda for the reunion. I hope I can go. I hope I can walk and sleep in the bed by then. I would hate to miss it.

Having stir fry veggies with turkey, over rice for dinner... Mmm hungry. J

monday

Was going to get a scan of my brain but didn't get it. they had scheduled it for 10:15 and at 11:45 i was still waiting. that and the fact they said the dr ordered it plus one with contrast and something told me not to do the contrast made me leave bevore i got it. ive had it before with no side effects other than not liking the way it made me feel. this time i just had a very strong feeling about it. we came home and called the dr about it. they are supposed to get back to me tomorrow. the girl we talked to that knows almost as much as the dr said she didn't see any reason why i would have to have the contrast.

i slept mpst of the afternoon. J

Easter 2011

Yep its easter... Nothing happening here. Yesterday we went to woodland where a lot of our family gathered in the park for a potluck. It was great seeing everyone. Its the first time I've been out of the house in months, except for doctors and hospitals, so it felt very good. next i want too take a trip to costco. havent been grocery shopping in months

i'm back

after 3 surgeries. one to repair a burst bowel. I went to the er for stomach pain after taking all kinds of tummy meds and even pain pills didnt help. they did emergency surgery and put on an ostomy bag.

I had the bag for two months when they decided to do surgery to remove it. But when i went in, they found i had anemia and so surgery was impossible until i got the iron count built back up. they gave me iron pills which i took for a month with no improvement so the dr ordered 8 weeks of weekly iron infusions which brought up the iron levels to barely normal. after a period of 8 months since the first surgery i finally had the second one, this time to remove the ostomy bag and put everything back to the way it should be.

after that surgery i began talking strange and they thought i'd had a stroke so they decided to do a cat scan of my head. what a shock when they came back saying i had a brain tumor. and whats more it had to be removed as soon as possible or it would kill me. talk about no choice!

so on april 4th ihad brain surgery. the dr assured me he got it all but it was much larger than they thought. Let me tell you I've never had such a headache in my life and it still hurts although its endurable.

Now i'm in therapy learning how to walk and use my right arm and hhand. my speech is almost ok. It's been a hard last few years begining with kikos death, my botched knee replacement, the loss of my ability to walk and use my right side, the three surgeries and subsequent recoveries. the brain surgery I'm not recovered from yet but I'm getting there.

Please No More Problems at least for a little while... J