Trying again....

Made an appt with a new orthopedic surgeon..... going on Aug.20th.. it's a long time from now but better than the Dec 29th appt for the one they referred me to. I could have gotten another appt but would have had to do the follow up care in Chico and didn't want to do that. Hopefully this surgeon is a good one... I don't much have a choice anymore. Need the knee done. Need to be able to start moving around a bit more... I'm going to tell him to get all the xrays and the mri I had done on my knees and also the mri I had done on my back. I want him to see what we're up against with all these problems.

Bought a new microwave today... smaller than the one I had but the wattage is the same so it should cook about the same.


Knees are very painful today... J

Home and tired....

It was a hard day... too many hours and too many miles. I'm so tired. I'm glad we went though... Uncle Don seemed both surprised and pleased that so many of the family showed... but we are family. It's what we do. What else can one do?

The weather was pleasant, I'm thankful for that... Now I'm going to bed. Will feel so good to lay down on a cool pillow...

J

Thursday morning

I'm up early. Going to a funeral. It's a long drive and I'm not looking forward to it. Muggy here this morning.

Need to get things ready...


J

Talking on the phone?

Or talking to oneself.... who can even tell the difference anymore? Isn't it great, now I can talk to myself, just like I've always done and nobody thinks I'm crazy... a few years back if you were caught talking to yourself you were thought of as an idiot or an old woman. Now we can do this and we're right in step with everyone else. I've always talked to myself but I used to try and hide it.... now I just go driving down the road and carry on the most intelligent conversation ... it's about time. J

I like fruit....

You know.. I've given up a lot of things that I like to eat. Most of them don't bother me. Well chips bother sometimes but for the most part I'm ok with giving up pastas, rice, potatoes, bread and beans. I have a bite or two of them from time to time and that's enough... I've had to give up all artificial sweeteners and now even stevia is causing me problems. It's been three days or maybe four since I've had any stevia and I can surely say today, I am having much less muscle cramping. I know splenda causes muscle cramps but didn't think stevia would do that too. Don't really think it's the stevia, but more my own body that can't process that stuff. Wonder if it would happen with real sugar now too? I actually bought some sugar in the raw today. Four carbs per teaspoon. I'm think half a tsp would be enough for my yogurt. But I am sort of scared too cause if all sweeteners cause cramping would sugar cause it too? And that brings me to the subject of fruit. I've decided I'm going to eat some fruit sometimes. Life is short. I want fruit.

J

Time?

It's not that I don't have the time to post... I have wads of time. It's just that I don't have any private time. I sit at my computer and people are behind my back, reading over my shoulder. I need my space back.. I NEED IT. but nothing is changing. I know if there's a change here I'm going to have to be the one to make it happen. Right now we are all flat lining and that's a terrible thing. What's worse is no one seems to care.

Gotta say

I don't want to wish my life away but I'm so glad this day is over...

Missed my yogurt mixed with peanut butter. I know I ate too much because I just couldn't get satisfied. I think I might go buy yogurt tomorrow. Maybe not.

Right now I'm headed for bed. I ate a teaspoon of real honey and it was so so so good. A bit too sweet maybe. I don't think I'm going to eat artificial sweeteners anymore. I think I'll learn to bake with itsy bitsy bits of real sugar or honey. Tomorrow I might figure out some carb counts on some of my favorite things using real honey or bits of sugar.. might not.

J

Egads it's hot

Went to walmart looking for shorts..... It's July ya know. Someone needs to tell walmart it's ONLY JULY... not time to buy sweaters.. No shorts in the whole store. Looked for a brush to wash my back. No back brushes in the whole store. I don't like walmart. I hate their clothes anymore. Used to be better quality, now they are beyond cheapo.

Need to check my closet and see what clothes I have.

Made spaghetti squash baked with soy crumbles, spagheti sauce and cheese. Made stuffed mushrooms and salad.

J

In the early morning hours, I think....

Yep, always thinking... I have been in severe pain for months. And it's not just joint pain. Anywhere you touch on my body hurts. Pressing on my forearm, shin or back, just anywhere is so painful. I must be totally full of inflamation. I know that inflamation is not a good thing as it can cause other bigger problems. So I've decided to eliminate a few things from my diet. I thought back to when this pain began and if there were any changes made in what I eat. The main thing I've added is stevia daily in one form or another. I used to use stevia on occasion and didn't notice any adverse effects, but I've gotten so I use it every single day and I've also increased the amounts I use... So that will be the first thing to eliminate. I'll try it for a week and if I see no change I'll eliminate something else. I'll keep doing that until I see some improvement. We are in charge of our own health. I believe foods or lack of are the basis for most ills.

We'll see.

J

Another day done... gone pooof

I decided today I would finish the project I started months ago... remember the pictures I framed and hung on the wall? Well, I've never finished. The table below the pictures is still bare. It's bare because I don't have the exact thing I want to put on it? What is the exact thing? Not sure, but I think I want some bookends and my little poetry books there.. Something else too but not sure what... I will know it when I see it. Also need some type of scarf or something on it. So I started looking today.....

Something to think about.
It's a good thing.

J

Time doesn't wait...

So what are we waiting for? Yesterday I noticed... well, have been noticing, but yesterday I voiced my thoughts on doing nothing. I know why I'm doing nothing, it hurts to move and I rarely sleep.....   I am so sick of doing nothing.. It's just not who I am. I need to have a project. I need to be moving around, accomplishing something.  I can't keep this non-productive, sliding through life up. Have to have a project.

J

aaaaaarrrrrrrrrruuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Waited three months to get an appt. with the orthopedist... got there and he checked me over, asked questions etc and then announced he doesn't do knee replacements anymore. Wonder why they couldn't have told me that before. He did them last year when I saw him... wonder why they didn't send announcements to their patients... but he sent me to get it x-rayed and says he will refer me to a dr. here in redbluff that does do the replacements..

That's all I know. I'm pissed because it feels as if I've wasted three or more months in pain.

Hard here for everyone... waiting and waiting and of course I think the waiting has only just begun. Things with the government are always slow coming. Just wish there were some way we could get Jerris car fixed and find her a place to stay. I know she's very tired of doing nothing.. She'd feel better in her own place I think.

Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

J

Friday morning

Didn't sleep because of the pain again... so hard to feel good when a person doesn't sleep. Hurts to turn over, hurts to move.

The mattress is horrible too. Need a new one badly. Don't think I'll ever buy a pillow top thing again. This one wore out and down in three short years. That's not good enough for me. I remember when mattresses used to last for years and years. My back is suffering because of this one. When we went camping and slept in the trailer my back didn't bother me near as much. Gonna start thinking about a new mattress.

Shower time... then to the orthopedist. Hopefully we can get something going here to fix the knee.. hate the thought of surgery and all the pain afterward with physical therapy, but it has to be done. Can't keep this stupid pain up forever.

I'm very tired this morning.. gets old after awhile. Need some changes here too. Feel like my life is zooming by and I'm doing nothing with it. Limbo. Waiting. Do we really have time for this?

J

Thursday

Ate at Dennys. Ate too much . blood sugar zoomed.

I'm getting bored sitting around so much. Must find something to keep my mind occupied. And I really need exercise. Gonna talk to the doc tomorrow about the exercise part.

Nothing else going on.

J

Thursday A.M.

I love getting up early before anyone and sitting with my coffee, check my email, listen to the birds or nothing.. 
J

They've arrived............

ANTS.... everywhere. All over the kitchen. Hate them. Hate cleaning them up. I'm the first one up so I get the honors. Don't say I like doing it ,,... but I do it better. I'm very careful with sprays and things. Others aren't so careful.

well.... after several tries the thongs are .....

Actually feeling almost OK... and it didn't get as hot as they said it was gonna get... and it's cooling off quite nicely already.. we're down to 95 at 7 PM... was hotter than that when I went to bed last night.

Trying to figure out what to do with the dog so we can go to Cheryl's service. Gonna be hard to do but think we should. I'm for taking him and leaving him in the car but Mac says we can't do that. Maybe I'll see if Ashley is going to be home... maybe she'll babysit him. He likes her.

Am not looking forward to the orthopedist appt on Friday... not looking forward to surgery one single bit. Need to do it though. It's time. Can't figure out any other way.

Muffins were good. A little high calorie.

J

Later on....

baking coconut flour, stevia sweetened, lemon blueberry muffins...........

Thongs are hurting my toes.

Hot

My big question of the day is, can one be self centered without being selfish? Or are they sort of the same.?

Anti-freeze all over the driveway... don't let the dog out there. I hate this. I'm too old to do this. But where's the choice? Where Is The Choice?

J

If I could fix it....

I used to be the fixer of everything but then I encountered things I could not fix.... problems I cannot solve, and people who need more help than I have to give. What to do? I'm feeling so tired and I'm feeling like I'm in the middle of things again. I can't for the life of me understand why a person would make things harder than they are... attitude is all important. I worry about how everyone feels.. and I make myself sick in the process... this is not right. Here I am again trying to figure out how to make this whole problem a little easier.

I got some thongs today... don't call them that anymore. Now I spose they are flipflops or some such name. To me they are thongs.. they're cute, hurt the space between my toes but I think I'll get used to that. Key is to take it slow. If I make a blister then I'm done for.. They are tan leather.. Got two other pair that are going back. I always order three or four pair of shoes. No shipping or return charges so what the heck...

Ordered four bras yesterday... movin' on up

J

fat

Way back when I was very fat my legs rubbed together, but they haven't done that in years. Now I find that happening again and it's very uncomfortable. It's not the fat, but rather the flab from lack of exercise. There is absolutely no exercise I can do with these stupid painful knees.. Can't even walk. Yesterday I vacuumed and all night long was in pain.. My knees are so shot. Just hope I haven't waited to long. Would hate to think of a life filled with pain pills just to exist. Appt is Friday with the orthopedist... hopefully he'll get right on it. Hopefully they don't drag it out for months and months.. meanwhile I live with the flab... hate it. J

Stuff.....

Hard to keep a good man down.... or in this case a good woman. I made some decisions last night. I decided to just get up and get things done.. I am also not going to worry about things that are over. It was all a big mistake and everyone just got over involved. But one thing I've learned and hopefully everyone else has learned too is to THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK... or in this case type. Sometimes we get upset and fire off an email or post something before we've had time to think it through..... usually that's not the best way. And usually if we wait, we realize it's not exactly like we thought. Maybe hurt feelings could be prevented if people would learn to wait a bit...

So I vacuumed the living room and dining room and dusted every inch of it. Washed my clothes and my towels. Now I'm hungry... J

It's been a very long and tiresome day... I am going to bed. I sat too much today and my tailbone hurts.. Must make myself do more tomorrow.... but at least I got the porch cleaned up today.

Tomorrow will be better.

J

Saturday....

I just want to go away somewhere... far far far, where no one can jump to conclusions, falsely accuse, or be mean in any way.. honesty is important to me. Unfortunately everyone isn't the same. I'm so so so very tired. I'm tired of fighting, being sad, crying, worrying and trying to fix things for people. When is it my time to just do nothing?

No one seems to realize it could all end any minute... fighting is such a waste of time.

J

Friday

If I worked I'd be so glad it was Friday...

Did I do anything special today? I went to the store and bought groceries. Well, not really groceries but I did get veggies. I love buying vegetables. Then I made a yummy mashed cauliflower casserole.

Went to the Hospice thrift store... found a fantastic corning ware casserole with a lid... for five bucks. It's big.. and it can go on top the stove, in the microwave or in the oven. I like thrift store shopping.

Still trying to zero in on a project.. don't know what it will be. But I do know I have to be doing something. Can't just sit and do nothing.

Got another email from Kikos friend. I like this fellow. I hope he keeps in touch.

hot today..... still 100 degrees at then o'clock.

J

What should I write???????

I checked the guestbook for Kiko this morning and there was a new entry.... it was from a fellow who went to school with him. I was touched by his post and wrote to him...so glad he put in his contact info. I got the nicest email back from him just a while ago.. He seems so genuine. I will answer him soon. But it's very hard to write to his friends.. hard to even write anything. Hard to think sometimes, but I think all the time. Not going to change

Got a nice email from Julie today... she's very sweet. Wonder where Elena is and if she is really that upset with me. I hate having any one of my kids upset with me. Makes me sad. I wish Josh wouldn't have told mac that no one cared before he was in the service... that's not true. I've always cared. I've never forgotten a birthday or Christmas... sometimes it wasn't much but lots of times I didn't have any money at all. But I remember several years buying those boys school clothes...jackets and backpacks too. I wonder if they remember that? It was hard. I had to charge them and it took me months to pay it off. I didn't want them to not have what they needed.

I need to get some focus to my life.. need something to plan. Need to be busy. Today I sat all day and wasted it like as though I have so many.... Just can't figure what I should do. Or what I want to do.

Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow. J

Stuff and nothing

I didn't post yesterday..

It's going to be hot again today.... but the good thing about this weather is the low humidity. It cools off nicely at night.

I'm not going to go anywhere early this morning. I'm going to sit down and have breakfast. I've been gulping down my glass of protein drink and flying out the door. Makes me feel like I missed the meal. I hate missing meals. And another thing I hate is a meal which isn't satisfying. 

I need to clean house today... it's very dusty and needs to be vacuumed.

Wish I could do both knees at once... but too hard I spose. I would have to stay in a rehab place. Don't want that either. As it is, don't know how I'm going to get up and down the stairs to go to therapy daily like they'll say I need to. I barely make it up and down now. Maybe someone can come to the house.

Coffee tastes good...

J

Bits and pieces......

I went to the dr.. yes it's cellulitis but on it's way to being ok he thinks...... my reg doc is on vacation so we had to go to someone else.. but he was ok. Sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

Lots of knee pain today.

Mac had bone taken out of two different toes today... one on each foot.. he's supposed to stay off of his feet and so am I. Makes for a lot of doing nothing.

I need to buy groceries. Maybe tomorrow.

J

Reunion's over

I hated to see it come to an end... I had a really good time. And it was just good to be away and not think of things that need to be done or problems or how we're going to fix them... but now we're back to reality. Back to whatever it was we left undone, same problems, no solutions.

I ate too much... don't care. I did what I wanted. I'll worry about it tomorrow. Wonder what's wrong with my ankle. It's so red. A big red patch of skin. Sort of feels stiff and is swollen. Guess I will call the dr tomorrow if it's still there. Had it for about 5-6 days now.

Time to go to bed... no it's not bedtime but it is time to go to bed.

J

Monday morning

Ten degrees cooler this morning and I could really feel it. I'll be cold at night in Hat Creek. Just a few things to do this morning and that's it. ...

Sitting here with the heating pad on my lower back. It seems to help and even if it doesn't, it feels good.

Second cup of coffee time... scales went up a pound... peanut butter pie????? maybe the pain pills. They make me hold fluids bigtime. Wish I didn't have to take them but I bet I always do because this pain isn't all the knees... it's also the back.

Time to get busy.. J

Sunday night

The trailer is packed and ready to go.. just have a few more things to do in the morning. We're planning on leaving here around 10 a.m. The weather at hat creek is supposed to be in the 80s all week long.. I'm taking all weather clothes as we know what hat creek can do sometimes.
I'm really looking forward to just sitting in my chair and kicking back... I didn't plan any crafts this year, will let the younger people do those things from now on.

My dog survived the fireworks but today when he was trying to go into the trailer he fell on the steps.. poor little thing was just trying to mind me. He's not been too spunky since. Was limping earlier. He does have a problem with his hind legs or hips. Seems that happens with chihuahuas often.

I'm happy to be going to the reunion but I'm very sad too.. this is the year that Kiko had planned to go. He was getting his ducks all in a row.. He so loved the reunions and hadnt been to one in a very long time.

J

Not gonna be able to post tonight... my doggie is scared of the fireworks.

Eeeeeeek it's late and I'm tired.

Did the last minute shopping for the reunion today... walked and walked. By the time I got out of the last store my knee was really hurting. Came home and helped do the shish kabobs.. they turned out really good. We'll make them again now that we have some idea on how to do them and what to use.

Big surprise of the day... Mac bought me flowers. He's never once ever ever bought me flowers. They are very pretty and I was very surprised.

Going to check a couple of things and then it's bedtime for me.

J

Thursday evening

I'm tired... feels like I worked the whole day.. didn't do that much.

Cut my hair really short and now the gray shows more.. Jerri doesn't like the gray in the back. She liked it before I cut it but not now. I can't see it so dont know what it looks like. I need better light.

Time to go to bed... tomorrow it's shopping.

J

Thursday a.m.

Sun's up. 104 today... get it done early if it's outside kinda day. Don't think I'm going out for anything today.. but maybe I'll break down and sit on the porch for a few minutes after breakfast. If I wait till my work is done it will be too hot out there.

Cleaning out the fridge.. packing up a few things. It's early but because my back/knees only let me do a bit at a time, I have to spread it out instead of doing it all in a couple of days like I used to.

Feel like eating peanut butter pie.

J

Wednesday... ovah

I didn't do much but I feel like I did... Jerri had her appt and all went well.. then we went to GNC... then home. Washed one load of clothes... put the dishes away out of the dish washer... made dinner. Is that all? Don't think so but can't remember..

Tomorrow Jerri goes to the doctor. I clean out the fridge and pack a few canned things. Non perishibles... I guess that's what they are called. For now, I'm sleepy and tired.

J

Wednesday morning ....

Sciatic nerve hurting down both legs... not horrible, just there. No time for that right now, go away.


J