Christima is coming

It's a time that used to excite me.. I loved decorating, cooking, shopping and wrapping presents. I loved the sights, sounds and smells.... People seemed more friendly, more caring,, nicer. But I've lost those feelings. I shared so much with Kiko. Not that I loved him more than the others but we were together more, we shared more. He loved Christmas just like I did. And now he's not here. So many memories. With whom shall I share them now? Everyone has their own lives. It's not the same anymore. '

I'm decorating because I know Kiko would want me to. But it's not the same. Never will be the same again.

J

Thanksgiving

We're going to Ramons today. I cooked a turkey and will take a big container of that. Made some low carb stuffing, but only a little as most eat the regular stuff. I made a jello salad with diet cran/grape juice instead of the aspartame laced Jello.. And I did a nice big Christmas cake. Wanted to do some jello pies but pooped out. Got too tired. Knee hurt.

Today is the 26th.. one year since Kiko died. Can't believe that happened. I've never had such deep pain. And it's not letting up. Hate it when people say Time heals.. that's bs no amount of time will heal this pain. Don't even want it to be healed. Don't ever want to have a time that this isn't painful.

Must get ready.
J

Overwhelming..

Sometimes life just seems to be overwhelming. So much I need to do, some things I want to do.. a few things I have to do,, but it's just too much. I feel like I'm drowning and can't get out. The really hard thing is I see no end to this. Is this the way life is going to be from now on? When one gets older they don't like to waste the unknown amount of time they have. Still we sit here day after day waiting for what?

I know I can't do everything all at once. But I also know the longer I let things go the harder it will be to get it together. I like organization. I hate loose ends and messy cupboards. I feel out of control when my house is not organized. Even my closets are a mess. I have macs stuff in my closet and my things are pushed so tightly to one end I can't even find anything. And everything is horribly wrinkled. Cupboards are sloppy and hard to find things and don't even think about the refrigerator. I know these sound like little things but they add up and they make me feel disorganized and disoriented. Hate it. Don't function well like this.

But I'm also very tired all the time and in pain most of the time. I sleep about 3 hours tops and find myself so lacking sleep I drift off at the computer or watching television. No energy because of no sleep. Everything I do is forced. How can I change this.???

Yesterday I forced myself to keep going. I went shopping, put the groceries away, helped hang the curtains, did my exercises and made a new pie recipe. It was all so very hard and so little compared to what I could do just a few months ago.

Will call the dr today. Think I have a bladder or urinary tract infection. Maybe not, don't know. Maybe I just need to move around more and drink more water. Those two things are key to having ones body function as designed.

Sleepy .... J

Sleepy

Haven't been keeping up on the blogs.. haven't been keeping up on much of anything. Nothing seems all that important. Why dust? I did hang one curtain today. J

My knee is getting better..

I'm able to exercise some without pain. Course the other knee hurts like hell. I know it needs replacing too but don't think I can face that right now. I'm still walking with a limp and am trying to be aware of that.. maybe if I'm aware I can stop the limping.

Thanksgiving is next week.. not gonna be an easy week. It hasn't been an easy month. Wonder if anyone is remembering?

Christmas is coming soon. I can't get motivated, no enthusiasm.

Probably should just go to bed now. J

I spoke too soon

My knee hurt so much during the night.. think it got cold. Wasn't too bad yesterday and I was bragging but in the night and this morning it's not so good.. but then all my joints hurt today.

Must finish getting the box ready to send for Josh and I want to make a floral arrangement today. Didn't sleep well though so don't know how much I will get done.

Mac woke everyone up at 1 a.m. saying he smelled something burning... I didn't smell anything. I also never went back to sleep after that so I am majorly tired.

J

What's new?

Not much.. My knee is not hurting near as much... in fact if it were only the knee, I'd probably not need many pain pills. I'm finding my back is hurting more than anything. I know I was having back problems before surgery and I know the shots in the spine probably didn't help, but does it have to hurt this much? I've started back on my back and leg strengthening exercises. Hope they will help.

Jenny

Sleep

I actually slept a little better last night. Still woke a zillion times with pain but slept in between times. Also was able to sleep for about half an hour on the other side. My shoulder and hip have been hurting so much from just sleeping one way.

There's a lady in my WW group who had knee replacement the day before I did. She's getting ready to have the other one done in December. I don't want to do my other one. I may have to some day but right now I just need to let this first one get well and see how I do. Don't want to go through that again if I don't have to.

I've been able to skip the middle of the night pain pill.. hate taking so many of those things. And yesterday I got on the exercise bike. This is the third time I tried and I'm happy to say it didn't hurt as much. I was able to do half a mile. Also for the first time I was able to do my back exercises and the knee strengthening ones I used to do before. What I really want to do is be able to drive and to walk around the stores.

J

Still not up to par...

This knee surgery was a heckka lot more than I thought it would be. It's been a little over five weeks and I'm still not doing too well. Incision is healed and it looks like I won't have a horrible scar... but inside it's definitely not well. Today it feels like the whole knee jumped the track. Like the hinge isn't working. Lots of pain with each step. Got the walker out to use again. Have not been needing it but today each step is painful. I'm really tired of it. I feel like a prisoner. Can't drive cause it's my right knee. I just want it overwith now. I know I'm impatient but some people are back to doing things within 5 weeks... course most are not from what I read. One reason I guess it's taking me so long is because all the ligaments, muscles and surrounding tissue was torn, pulled and like the doctor said, "Just plain shot".... All that has to rebuild.

We are now in November... it's a sad month. Very very sad. I'll get through it. Wondering if anyone else has thought about the sadness? Everyone is so busy. I guess it's good to be busy. I can't seem to get into anything. No crafts, no plans, nothing.

I do want to lose at least 4.5 pounds before Thanksgiving.. sometimes I don't remember that when I'm hungry though.

Tomorrow we are going to costco. Mac borrowed the parks wheel chair as we know I would never be able to walk it. Doctor wanted to give me a disabled permit but I refused. I'm starting to rethink that decision though. I guess if I had it, doesn't mean I'd HAVE to ALWAYS use it. I hate seeing healthy people use up the disabled spots.

J