Last day of May

This is the last picture of me before my brain surgery... Awful.

I have forgotten when I wrote here last. I had intended to write daily but then I intend to do many things and sometimes I do but there are times I just don't. Like I have intended trying to write poetry again, but don't. Why? I can't think of anything to write about. I have intended to get the pictures all in albums, at least I'm working on that.. got so far behind when I got sick. I'm still working on 2010 pictures. I was caught up but then life went on, things happened and I stopped. I thought I was stopped forever. I thought I'd never be able to use my hands again. I'd never be able to focus, to walk or even to think. I don't know what I thought because sometimes I couldn't even think. I existed. Lost time. Didn't enjoy anything. Didn't do anything, I just was there. A lump of breathing flesh who stopped living, stopped thinking, stopped planning. Mac would say, "When you get better we'll....." and to myself I'd think that will never happen because this is the way I'm going to be. This is me from now on and forever. This is what I've become. But it wasn't like that. It was the tumor. I can look back and see two years ago when I noticed changes..little ones at first and then after knee replacement more and then after the first surgery it was so obvious that something was wrong but no one, no doctor picked up on it. That's all I have to say tonight except who cares if I sleep half the night in the bed and half the night in the chair. At least I'm here and able to get up and down by myself, able to type this, able to read and write and eat by myself. Able to shower and wash my own hair, able to draw on my own eyebrows and brush my own teeth. Able to cook my own cream of wheat and beat the eggs for scrambled eggs. Able to open the can of peaches, to comb my hair, to wash my clothes and make gravy. Able to pull some weeds, dehead the flowers and prune the bushes. I can step on the scales by myself, get in the pickup and walk up and down the stairs. I am no longer completely dependent on anyone for everything. I'm thankful for those who helped me and took care of me but I'm so thankful I can now do it myself. Yea for independence at least almost. Nite. J

Sleep Habits

Are hard to break.

I am used to the recliner and I love it. Not so much that I am extra comfortable, but the fact I'm there with the lamp, my book, the t.v. and the remote control. I wake up a lot during the night and I take awhile to go back to sleep. When I'm in the recliner I just read or watch television. In the bed, I can't do that. Although Mac bought me a Kindle today. He thinks it might be light weight enough that I can read lying down. Hope I can. I still have to download some books on it. He actually bought me one for my birthday last september, but I couldnt figure it out. My head was so messed up at that time I couldn't focus long enough to learn how to use it. It is rather simple, but I was really messed up. Could not focus, so I had him send it back. Now that I am better, I was wishing I had it, so when he went to the store today, he came back with it.... happy birthday he said. Finally I can enjoy my birthday present, It's been a long time coming.

My new blanket is just what I wanted. It's so light it doesn't pull down on my legs at all.

Can't remember when

I posted last. I could look back and see but I don't really care all that much so why bother. It's bedtime. My international coffee is ready and waiting for me. Just wanted to say I am so thankful that I could make the flower arrangements for the cemetery, even down to making the bows. Has been a long time since I could do anything like that.

Bought a new very soft and light weight electric blanket today. Maybe I'll get back to my bed one of these days. Not yet though.

J

Boring? Nope not at all

After reading what I am doing most people would think it's so boring but to me it's so satisfying. Why? Because I had so many months I could do nothing but sit in the chair and stare at the muted television. I couldn't stand the sound up as it gave me a headache. Couldn't walk and my hand and arm didn't work and so I sat.

Now I can get up and do somethings...not too much cause my back is so bad, but I made my own breakfast today...I boiled some eggs and peeled them. I washed one load of towels and have another in washing. I gathered my clothes to wash. I opened the drapes and the blinds to let the light in. I posted on face book... figured my breakfast points in Weightwatchers and entered my food into fitday. and it ain't even noon yet. Oh and i'm dressed. Not in my nightgown. Though I must admit nightgowns are sooooooo comfy.

So there you have the extent of the day so far. maybe I'll be back later..maybe not. J

Oh boy

It's been raining.. did I say I hate rain. Well I don't actually hate it because I know we need rain, but we don't need rain and rain and rain for days and days and days. Time for a break and time for SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!

And I finally have faced reality and the fact I cannot eat unlimited high carb foods. Ate a chicken pie for dinner last night and it spiked my blood sugar and it didn't want to come back down. Took hours. Not good. I have read that anytime a blood sugar stays over 140 for more than two hours it could do organ damage. I don't want that.. so it's back to lower carbs. I want to stay below 72 carbs per day.

Didn't do much today.. back and legs are giving me what for. I did make cauliflower soup. Boy was that good. Haven't had any of my good homemade soup for so long. I'm glad I can do some things again.

J

Went grocery shopping yesterday

Sounds like a boring thing to do but I enjoyed it so much. I haven't been to that store in eight months. Food Maax. It's where we always buy our fruits and veggies. I like to choose them and haven't been able to in so very long. Yesterday I had to restrain myself. I could easily have gotten more but then we probably wouldn't have eaten it all and it would have spoiled. So I only got enough for several days. Last night I ate half a mango with berries and coolwhip. Would have rather had real cream but my tummy objects to fat and cream has lots of that.

I am going to begin paying attention to carbs and try not to eat simple ones. I think I can be satisfied without so much chips and cookies. Neither of those things gives one any nutrition. Today I was smart and ate one crispbread with peanut butter for lunch. It was so yummy. Less points than a cookie and will keep me full until dinner

ooops We just decided on chicken pot pies for dinner. Ok I thought... I have plenty of points left but when I figured how many points were in one little of those pies I was flabbergasted not to mention stunned to the hilt. They each have 16 points!!!! I will eat one anyway, because Mac is already getting them ready to put in the oven but it means I will go over daily points. I never go over. I do have 35 extra points per week to use as I wish but I never use them. Guess I'm going to use some today though. se la vie. or whatever!!

J

Shopping

I love shopping. I love browsing, reading labels, picking up something and then putting it back. I hate going in the store for three items, getting them and straight back out. It's worse now that I haven't been anywhere in so long. I so wanted to go to food maxx today but we took the wheel chair back and the scooter is hard to load. I'd love to go for a scooter ride by myself around the park but can't get the scooter down the steps. Should just leave it down there but I need it in the house. What to do what to do. I want to buy some melons and some fruit like a mango or papaya. I'm hungry for alfalfa sprouts. Something different. Oh well I should be thankful for what I have and I am.... but still I want to go shopping just once by myself again. J

Ok so I made my own salad

Some people might think that's no big deal but it is to me. Why? Because I have not been able to stand or use my hand for a very long time. I can tell I'm getting more coordinated and stronger. I hardly use the wheel chair or scooter in the house. I mostly walk with the cane. But I can only walk or stand a few minutes because my back pain becomes excruciating. That's what's keeping me from doing more.

Wish I had a ramp built out here so i could take my scooter up and down by myself. J

Oh boy

between the steroids and the anti-inflamatories I have put on almost ten pounds. I feel heavy and my clothes are not fitting like they did. I can wear them but they dont feel good..so what do I do? I hate hungry. I know I dont have to be hungry and after a few days I won't be. It also takes planning, something I have done in the past but I don't like doing it. Which do I hate the worst....Planning or this ugly ten pounds. OK OK OK I'll PLAN!!!!! J

Strides....

Yes I'm making strides daily... Still don't feel too steady or too balanced but I'm getting better. Got up off the commode two times by myself today. YEA. Pretty soon I will be independent again. I hate depending on anyone. Oh I don't mind asking for help sometimes but I don't like to HAVE to ask all the time. Like if I want to get up out of the chair I have to ask for help, if I want a cup of coffee I have to ask for it. If I am hungry I have to ask for food. If I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to wake someone to take me.... and the worst of all was I had to have someone clean me after I used the bathroom. Thank goodness I don't have to ask any more and I can take care of myself in that area.

The dog is barking.... J

I have five blogs

Yes I do, but I hadn't posted on any of them for such a long time, until the other day and I posted on this one. I still havent posted on the others. Still haven't posted on the weightwatchers boards, Maybe I'll start back there tomorrow.

I still get tired easily. Was reading on some brain tumor forum and learned so much from others who have had brain surgery. Like so many say it takes up to a year to get any energy back and even one mother told about her twelve year old daughter who has to take naps twice a day even though it's been a year since her surgery. It's a very hard surgery to go through emotionally as well as physically.

I walk to the bathroom all the time now. Not all the time without Mac holding on to me but up until a week or so ago he pushed me in there in the wheel chair. I am getting stronger.

I sat on the porch this evening... boy are the mosquitos hungry. Talked to Ramon on the phone. Always nice to talk to him or any of my kids.

Going to go have a cup of Swiss Mocha International coffee and hit the recliner. Thats where I sleep for now.

J

Its Tuesday May 3rd II think

Anyway, remember that cause its the first day i've walked alone... well not completely alone, I had my cane. But I did it. I walked the whole length of my dining room twice. Now if I could just get up out of the recliner but I doubt I'll ever be able to do that cause my knees both need to be fixed and I will not have any surgery again unless its an emergency!!! Sick of being in the hospital and I'm sick of pain.

Saw my dr yesterday. He said everything looks fine. The home health care with physical therapy will end on Friday. They may send me to outside physical therapy, not sure yet but my speech therapist mentioned thats what they usually do. By the way, the speech therapists last day is Thursday. He says I dont need him and I don't.

Having stew for dinner. I don't much like the Meat but I love the vegetables and gravy. J